Everyday I would dread so much and I focused on that rather than all the good that was happening throughout the day.
I would dread housework. Homework. The phone. The nursing home. My Grandpa's house. Pretending to be okay when I really wasn't.
I felt sleepy all day. Like my head was in a haze.
It truly was.
I still kind of feel sleepy and hazy...but I think that is just because I've been on full-force GO for so long.
Every time the phone would ring I would worry that it was the nursing home, or my aunt with bad news about my grandpa.
I hated the nursing home. Because it was just that. A nursing home. I felt sick to my stomach that my Grandpa had to be there. In his little room. Alone most of the day. With barely any of his belongings that he worked his entire life to have. Instead they filled an empty house that he occupied for the past 50 years. His food wasn't good like mine, like the food grandma had taught me to prepare. Most of all I hated the nursing home because they weren't able to give him what he needed most. Love.
My Grandpa needed to be with me. I needed to be with him. We tried it.
A month and a half. He lived with my husband, my five-year-old daughter, and me.
It was a great time. He always said he felt bad that he was here with us. Like he was intruding on our personal space and time.
I told him not to worry. For the short amount of time he was with us, in the entire span of life...the few months amounted to practically nothing. But that nothing meant the world to me. I could care for him. I was able to give back to him after all the times he had been there and cared for me.
When his care required more than I was able to provide it was set that he needed to be a nursing home...with the plans of going into an assisted living apartment.
Damn.
He wanted to be in that apartment so badly.
Instead, just as I predicted. Just as I knew. Because I know my Grandpa well...he didn't last long in the nursing home.
Now I don't dread the phone.
The call already came and went.
I cried. Hard. The ugly cry that makes your body shake, your cheeks sting, your eyes red for far too long.
Now it is over.
Now I can discover who I am without having to be a caregiver.
I get to be just a wife and a mom for the first time.
The feeling is kind of surreal and I'm actually a bit scared of it.
What if I mess up now? Now that I don't have to focus my extra energy on my Grandpa, will I use that energy to better myself and my family? I really hope I do.
Today I don't feel dread.
Today I feel okay. Not perfect. But not bad. Not good, but not tired.
I am okay.
No comments:
Post a Comment