It was bedtime and suddenly the reality of going back to school hit my daughter like a ton of bricks.
All of August, whenever asked if she was ready for school, she would answer that she is very excited to go back! I mean, that's the right answer.
But last night the excitement faded.
Nervousness snuck its way into her body.
Look at that adorable smile this morning before we loaded up and headed to the elementary school! Adorable!
Last night however, that face was full of tears.
Sad tears because she would be away from her mama all day.
Scared tears because she doesn't know her teacher.
Nervous tears because she doesn't know a lot of the kids her class yet.
Worried that we wouldn't be there to pick her up on time after school.
I tried all the usual mommy lines.
"You'll be okay. I'll be there to pick you up as soon as the day is over."
"Everyone is going to be scared and nervous, too."
"Your teacher is super sweet! Remember at back to school night, she was so nice."
None of those lines were helping.
Then she broke my heart.
"Do you think Grandpa will be proud of me for being in first grade?"
DO YOU HEAR THE SOUND OF MY HEART SHATTERING?!
She then proceeded to ask for the 5x7 photograph of my grandparents that she has sitting on her nightstand. Not sure what she was going to do, she hugged the picture, then laid the frame down next to her on her pillow and said, "I just wish Grandpa was here to see me go to school."
Tears came out of my eyes so quickly I had no time to react.
She saw me crying. Which is okay. I never try to hide my tears from her. It's just she was so upset, I didn't want to make it worse for her.
I assured her that Grandpa IS so proud of her, even though he isn't physically here. He lives in her heart and he will be with her all day during her first day of school
She then asked if Grandma would be and if Grandpa Randy would be also.
I assured her that they would be right there with her.
"I wish I knew Grandma and Grandpa Randy. You love them so much, I just want to know them." she told me.
Grandpa Randy is what she calls my dad. He died when I was fifteen, so she obviously never got the chance to meet him. Then my Grandma died just six months after him. Grandpa to her, is really her great-grandpa - the guy who took over raising my after dad and grandma passed on. Grandpa was her biggest supporter.
She satisfied by my answer. Gave each of their faces a kiss on the glass in the frame and handed me the picture to place back in its spot.
All at once she seemed a bit better.
I kissed her again and left her room after telling her about twenty more times how much I love her.
A short while later she showed up in my bed and asked to just snuggle a bit. I couldn't say no to her, and she fell asleep within moments of lying down.
This morning she woke up eager and excited to go to school!
"I don't think I will cry after all." she said through a mouthful of Cocoa Pebbles cereal.
She then made sure we had her sparkly earrings and necklace on, a new pink and brown leather bracelet she just got at the Girl Scout store on her wrist and her new ankle boots on her feet. We took our snapshots and she was ready to go!
On our way to school she was all smile. Especially when we came across a friend and her mom walking to school. By the time we parked and crossed the crosswalk, we met up and all walked into the building together.
Here's the thing that made it so much more special to me.
The friend's great-grandpa was walking with them also. He was videotaping it all. The girls walking, stopping for this snapshot:
And being part of the big first day of first grade morning.
The great-grandpa happens to be one of the guys my grandpa considered a dear friend.
The man was at my wedding. He was part of my childhood when I would tag along to "coffee club" with my grandpa.
I never said anything, I just let him do his thing, knowing in some way my grandpa is part of this special day, just like I promised my daughter. A dear friend is enough for me.
No tears were shed from my girl or from me (especially not my hubs who was eager to get out and start shooting clay pigeons on this beautiful day), until now. When I am sitting and thinking about how wonderful it is that my girl knows her heart is bursting with love from those who aren't here with us physically. Tonight I'll let her know that her friend's grandpa was also a friend of her grandpa and I know she will see the special connection.
Go rock the first grade, Sophia. Your sense of humor, natural empathy, mix of sweetness, shyness and orneriness will take you far in life. I am so proud of you already. Your dad is so proud of you. We all are. Your light is bright and you make life beautiful.
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